Going solo can be spiritually empowering as long as you take safety precautions to avoid getting into dangerously vulnerable situations, says ANURADHA VARMA
Princess Bubble and the Paper Bag Princess, modern fairytale characters, can teach us a thing or two about being single. The latter got hot and dirty while trying to rescue her prince, who turned up his nose and told her to dress like a princess — he soon got the boot.
Princess Bubble was created by former flight attendants Susan Johnston and Kimberly Webb and found her happily-ever-after long before finding Prince Charming.
Of course, in the Fables Graphic Novel series, which turns fairytales on its head, Snow White finds herself single again after Prince Charming turns on his seductive charm on other women. Singlehood is a state you can find yourself in at any point in time and the important thing is to create a fulfilling life, with or without a partner.
Empowered Singles
In a television soap, the woman protagonist’s drab existence gets some colour when she finds a suitor. While she makes the right noises about the virtues of being single, her life as a single woman seems to revolve around work, home and an ex-boyfriend married to her ex-best friend. In short, life is passing her by.
That needn’t be the case with all single people — in Bollywood, for example, Miss Universe and actor Sushmita Sen extended her family by adopting two girls as a single woman and there are others who are not so well-known, but who have chosen to be single mothers.
Mythologist Devdutt Pattanaik lists names of some of those who chose or were forced into a single life — the widowed matriarch Kunti and an abandoned Sita, for instance. Then there was Shakuntala, who was adopted by the unmarried sage Kanva and left by her husband King Dushyanta.
Says Pattanaik, “Everyone survives in this world. Nature does not judge or discriminate; only humans do. We treat the family as a possession and so become territorial about it, creating outsiders and insiders. While we function with a family and relationships, we have to outgrow our need for ‘attachments’.”
However, with most people part of a ‘couple’, life can raise tough questions for singles. Here, families must also play a supportive and empowering role, instead of the oft-repeated question, “Who will take care of you after us?” It’s important to let your child or sibling know you’re there if required, but also acknowledge that she is capable of living single.
Spiritual Connect
Writer Sreemoyee Piu Kundu believes being single has made her spiritually stronger. “The biggest challenge of being single is the occasional sense of being alone, especially as I am a single child.
Watching parents age, seeing friends losing their parents, dealing with parents falling ill makes one worried about the road ahead; you get the feeling that you have many battles to fight on your own. But I think being single has brought me closer to my faith. I am Buddhist and when I chant or meditate, I feel my God. Buddha is my friend and my soulmate; I call him my old man!”
It’s important to be comfortable in one’s skin. And, ultimately, singlehood is a state of mind, something that can be reclaimed by everyone, married or not. Says Brahmakumari Shivani: “Spirituality means being with everyone outside, but being single inside. This means carrying out all your responsibilities without getting entangled internally; without having people and situations affect your state of mind, learning detachment.”
She adds, “Single people can get very lonely. It’s good to be a part of a spiritual group. Spiritual knowledge and meditation empowers the individual and hence one is not dependent emotionally on others. Being part of such a group also gives the opportunity to participate in projects to serve others.”
She also recommends sustaining emotional support for “it is needed by each one of us today and it’s the same for single people. It’s good for family and friends to involve them in all outings, holidays and get-togethers.”
Make Yourself Stronger
Writer-actor-singer Suchitra Krishnamurthy, previously married to filmmaker Shekhar Kapur, believes that every relationship changes you in indefinable ways. “People are welcome in my life only if they make me happy. And yes, Indian families worry too much and don’t respect individuality enough, especially when it comes to the girl child.
Your role in a family structure is often perceived as more important than your individual thoughts and rights. This does have its good points and also the bad. It can be extremely supportive or downright hypocritical and stifling.”
She adds, “I am blessed with a family that has stood by me through thick and thin, always making me understand that I needn’t compromise my integrity or honesty in search of security.”
Feeling Lonely
Loneliness is an affliction nobody’s immune to. It’s a battle we all have to fight. And that you could be vulnerable as a single woman is an added risk, especially at a time when violence against women is on the rise. Hence, isolating yourself is not a good idea.
Emily White, author of the book Lonely, writes we’re nowhere as connected to each other as we used to be. She says, “More than 30 per cent of people in Britain live alone and the time we spend visiting friends and family has fallen.
A recent study in the US showed that almost a third of the respondents had no one to confide in.… When I was lonely, I hid my emotional reality and lied outright. I fudged facts and did everything necessary to make my isolated life look full. I hinted that I hadn’t been single for as long as I had. I worked as a lawyer, and if someone at the office suggested I looked tired, I pretended that a busy social life was leaving me drained.”
The solution? Stop looking inwards at yourself and focus outward. Being self-centred and insular doesn’t help. There’s a whole world out there, and happy people are those who’ve learnt to take an interest in their surroundings and in people around them, bringing friends and acquaintances into the fold of the extended family.
by speaking tree....
